“The People Who Just Foster the Babies”
It’s a common stereotype in foster care. “The people who just foster the babies.” A baby is born, the parent is deemed unfit to care for the child at that time, and the foster parent shows up at the hospital to take home a newborn. There are no nine months of morning sickness, weight gain, or pregnancy pains. You get an adorable little baby (maybe forever), and all you have to do is show up at the hospital.
I have often heard foster parents talk negatively about other foster parents who just foster babies, but I believe these people deserve much more credit than they’re given. My experience fostering babies has made me realize that it’s just not quite as simple as showing up to the hospital and taking a tiny infant home.
When I first started fostering, I wanted to foster babies. In fact, my very first call was for a baby, but the placement fell through. (Funny enough, my first placement ended up being an 8-year-old!) I had more baby clothes than toddler clothes. Everyone around me asked me if I wanted a baby so that I could adopt. I assumed that fostering babies would be easier because they had only lived for a short amount of time, so they hadn’t experienced that much trauma, abuse, or neglect. They wouldn’t have insecurities with food, they wouldn’t wet the bed, they wouldn’t have violent outbursts…they wouldn’t have any of the typical foster kid “behaviors.” Although I was licensed through age 6, deep down inside, I hoped that I would get called for a baby.
That was three years ago. Since then, I’ve fostered an 8-year-old, two babies, and three preschool-age children. And since then, I have a much different perspective to share about fostering babies.
When I got the call for my baby—my now-adopted son—I was overwhelmed with excitement and adrenaline. I barely thought about the commitment of caring for a newborn and more about the cute baby boy clothes and the endless snuggles.
But the reality was far from what I envisioned. I walked through the NICU doors just a few hours after getting “the call” to meet a medically-fragile, drug-addicted baby who had been alone at the hospital for 3 weeks. He had a feeding tube and couldn’t suck on a pacifier because he had a cleft palate. He didn’t even have a legal name. His medical care would be intense, and as I prepared to take him home, I quickly became aware that there was nothing easy about fostering this baby boy.
The next year of my life was a complete blur. Because of his health issues, he had more severe newborn behaviors than most babies. High-pitched, nonstop screaming. Diaper rash from drug withdrawals that made his little bottom bleed. Acid reflux that produced extreme vomiting. Countless doctor appointments. Slow growth. Delayed milestones. Special feeding. Surgeries. The list goes on and on, and my exhaustion was extreme. The case itself was an emotional rollercoaster that increased my stress and fatigue. I cried myself to sleep many nights, worrying that he would have to leave. I was so in love with him and so attached but so overwhelmed and fearful.
Although I didn’t become a foster parent just for the goal of adoption, this baby did go up for adoption, and he’s now my son. At three years old, he still has a slew of health issues, behavioral disorders, and trauma. There are still times when I break down because I’m overwhelmed. He’s been hospitalized so many times and even put on a ventilator for a few days this past winter. He has no impulse control and does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He has an extreme temper. He eats, and eats, and eats. He has more surgeries ahead of him. He can’t talk, but he won’t cooperate during speech therapy. The impact of his mother’s drug use will affect him for the rest of life, and so will the trauma of losing his mother at birth.
I know, you’re probably wondering if I actually made the right decision to adopt my son. I most definitely did, and I’ll get to that in a minute. But, I want you to see that fostering babies isn’t easy. The “people who just foster babies” don’t necessarily have it easier than everyone else, and I say this as someone who has fostered children of many different ages. Although we never had to say goodbye to our son, imagine the pain of attaching to a newborn and then having to let them go.
To put things even more into perspective, the second baby we fostered cried all day long and kept me up all hours of the night. We ultimately had to have him moved to a different home, and I still feel the guilt from that over a year later. Foster babies are precious, but their list of needs and behaviors can be just as long as older foster kids, and they certainly aren’t “easy.”
Alright, now as promised, let me tell you what I love about my son, because as difficult and tragic as this foster care journey has been, he is so worth it.
Lenny is the ultimate extrovert and is giddy with excitement when people come to our house. He loves Costco and yells “MOM” every time we drive by because he wants a giant Costco hot dog. He is obsessed with babies and has been the best big brother to our biological son and other foster babies who have come into our home. His passion for food shows through his love for cooking; he’s always wanting to pull up a chair and help me with meals. He is wild and feisty, but sometimes he just runs up to me and throws his arms around me for a big hug. He’s the best “yes” we’ve ever said, and we adore him.
If you’re interested in becoming a foster parent and want to hear more about fostering babies and/or older children, fill out our contact page and we’d love to share more information with you!